Monday, February 26, 2007

Life's Up and Downs are a Real Bitch

First off, this is sort of a ranty post and sans pictures, so likely not any fun. Leave now if you're so inclined, I understand.

Every time I think that the herd is getting to the point where I can take everyone off the meds, I get a new outbreak. I've been fighting since New Year's and I swear if the cat sneezes one more time making me search in vain for the sick rabbit, I'm going to strangle her pretty little black and white neck. Hook, amazingly has determined that it is smarter to stay out of the scary woman's way. He's my new favorite right now.

I think the rabbits are getting better and then one relapses. Better yet, I have happy healthy babies one day and two dead babies the next. I'm talking about 19 day old babies people! Well past the age of instant death for no reason. I'm blaming the bacteria. I'm blaming the evil snot inducing, sneeze creating, makes me cry from frustration (I WANT TO KILL ALL THE BACTERIA RIGHT NOW) bacteria. I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm worried, I'm anxious, and I'm downright disgusted by all of the money I'm spending trying to make the bunnies better.

Which has made it really hard to concentrate on things like school, work, knitting, cooking, cleaning, or anything not involving sleeping. And in case you are wondering, that is really all I want to do or have wanted to do for about 3 weeks. I want to just give up, face the reaper, and sleep until it's all better. I know, I can't do that, but having the strength to keep fighting is really draining to me.

I finally rallied late last week, finishing some papers, taking some bunnies off the meds, cleaning my floors, doing a lot of much needed laundry. I even had time to really knit on my lace shawl this weekend and I'm on the edging now (picture to come soon). Saturday I was even feeling up to a little errand running/clearance shopping. And my friends, I found some great deals. I was all excited to come home, and then I nearly ended up as pineapple upside down cake on the side of the road.

I know, I need to be more careful. I know that it was icy. I know that going the speed and not panicking are important. I know that trying to turn the wheel to correct the direction on ice is a bad idea, but I did it anyway. A full 360 degrees, and much "shitshitshitshitshitshit" later, I was on a small outlet leading in to a subdivision about 2 miles from my house. I was fine, the van was fine, even my four pounds of kiwi fruits weren't bruised, yet I'm still upset by the experience.

Some time ago, I had my first car accident. I hydroplaned on a country round, spun 180 degrees, and rolled onto my driver's side in a very muddy cornfield. I had nightmares about the mud splattering up my window for weeks and being in a similar situation brought all of the old emotions back.

And when I think that I am finally getting everything back to as normal as my life usually is, I find two dead 19 day old babies when I go out to the barn. I'm just not sure how much more I can handle. Every time I think I've reached my limit, I reach a little deeper and come up holding more. I hear song's like "Bring On the Rain" and I think, I can do this. I can handle it. I look into the faces of my sweet bunnies and I try not to cry at having to kill some of them. I see hope in my pregnant does and I wish against all hope that this damn bacteria would finally let me have some peace. I just need them to be well for a few months, just to get my strength back, to give me more hope than what I can find in the fleeting moments I see it in the barn.

I'm heading up to Michigan this weekend for a two-day rabbit show and convention. My goal is to recharge my batteries, have a little fun with Kristi, and come back resolved to make as much right as I can in my life. I just need to hang on until then.

And even though I may not be commenting, I am reading your blogs, and I am thinking of you all. Thank you for letting me vent, and I'm sort of surprised if you made it this far.

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10 comments:

At Monday, February 26, 2007 5:59:00 PM, Blogger CygKnit said...

Of course we make it this far. Tell me how I can help, either by email or phone.

 
At Monday, February 26, 2007 7:59:00 PM, Anonymous Pat DeLeeuw said...

I know less than nothing about bunnies(well, the chocolate ones are tasty-especially the ears) but I wonder if you've had someone that is an expert take a look ?? Sometimes we are too close to a situation and can't see the forest for the trees if you know what I mean? Could your exhaustion cause you to miss something? Maybe an aquaintance that also raises bunnies?
I can't imagine the pain you are going through. Wish I could do something to help. Hopefully, a visit with Kristi and the boys will bring you some much needed down time. Wine-don't forget the wine!!!
If you guys head for a yarn shop let some of us know-we could meet for a yarn fest.

 
At Monday, February 26, 2007 8:18:00 PM, Anonymous kristi and otis said...

Aww...my poor little cheeky monkey...we have what ails you here in mid-Michigan and they have the words Rae's and Threadbear written all over ;) Sunday right???

 
At Monday, February 26, 2007 9:28:00 PM, Blogger Ewe-niss said...

Oh, big huge hug!!!!!

I only have an inkling of what you are going through. My 12 year old daughter has been raising bunnies for three years. We have gone through births and deaths - while trying to help my daughter do what needed to be done. Those are rough times - and you do wonder when it will end, because they all seem to roll into each other.

I am sorry for this time in your life. A nice trip up north should help :-)

 
At Monday, February 26, 2007 9:48:00 PM, Blogger Ren said...

*hugs* i'm so sorry to hear that things are so rough for you right now! i hope that things improve soon...

 
At Monday, February 26, 2007 10:44:00 PM, Blogger ~Tonia~ said...

Oh I wish that there was something that I could do for you. Is there anything that I can do?

I really hope that things get better and slow down for you soon. Your poor bunnies and your sanity need the break.

I am soooo glad that you are ok in the ice skating that you did in your van. I know that feeling and it is sooo freaking scary. The fear stays with you for days on end.

I hope it gets better. Let me know if there is anything that I can do for you.

 
At Tuesday, February 27, 2007 11:18:00 AM, Blogger Dana said...

I'm sorry you're having such a rough go of it right now. It has to get better, we just have to find the patience to reach that point. But, it will! Where in Michigan are you going? I've been looking for an excuse to make the trip to ThreadBear, and stalking bloggers can be fun too! Hang in there!

 
At Tuesday, February 27, 2007 3:10:00 PM, Blogger Samantha said...

{{{{hugs}}}}

I wish there was something I could do to help with the bunnies ... I will be sending healthy bunny vibes your way ... from one bunny to another. My mom nicknamed me Bunny when I was an infant and still calls me that sometimes.

Sorry to hear about your accident. I'm glad you're okay and the van and fruit are okay too. I've been there done that ... ended up in the ditch twice while driving. Scary stuff. Even scarier was getting back behind the wheel and driving past the place where it happened for the first time, but I got back on the horse. I hope you don't have nightmares about this one. Accidents, even minor ones, can be quite the shock to the system.

More {{{{hugs}}}}

 
At Tuesday, February 27, 2007 5:47:00 PM, Anonymous Rebekah said...

I'm so sorry, I wish I could make it better.

Accidents are scary, not matter what their outcome.

Please be careful, and hopefully find some sleep soon.

 
At Tuesday, February 27, 2007 6:46:00 PM, Anonymous Kelly said...

I'm sorry things haven't been going so well for you and the bunnies lately! I hope things get better soon. Your in my thoughts!

 

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